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No More _______

8/3/2016

4 Comments

 
“No more __________”, I wrote across the top of the January page of the following year’s calendar on New Year’s Eve approximately 15 years ago.  I didn’t fill in the blank, but I knew what it stood for.  It stood for something that had held me bound for about 15 years, since I was 11 years old.  It stood for something that I had let become my safe place since my dad’s death at the same age.  It stood for something I despised, and had countless times tried to stop.  But this time, I was convinced; I would be done with it.  I had my fill and was disgusted with myself.  So, I vowed that New Year’s Eve, for the 1,576,382nd time, that I was done with the habit of masturbation.  This time would be different.  I just knew it.  I would be steadfast in my resolve.  Unfortunately, that New Year’s resolution didn’t make it past January of that year.

And so it went.  I continued to stumble over this sin (the Lord showed me that for me, this was sin) for the next several years, even as I was a recent Bible College graduate and involved in several ministries.  One evening during service in the church I attended my pastor preached about a character I had never heard of.  It was a man named Hazael and his story mentioned in II Kings 8.  Essentially, this man was sent to Elisha to get a Word from the Lord for his king.  God gave a Word through Elisha, but also gave a word to Hazael.  Elisha prophesied to Hazael of the future sin he would commit.  Hazaels response was not one of humility.  Instead, he stated, “Am I dog that I would ever do such a thing?”   Well, as the Bible records, Hazael ended up doing what was prophesied.  During that message the Lord dealt with me that if I didn’t stop the masturbation it would lead to other things.  I wish I could say I responded differently than Hazael.  My heart became hardened as I ignored the conviction.  Within less than two weeks I became involved in my first anonymous sexual encounter.  That encounter led to approximately 9 more years of stumbling over masturbation, porn, and countless more anonymous encounters.   And it all started with the “innocent” habit of masturbation.

Masturbation for many is a coping mechanism and addictive.  For those who say it isn’t for them, I would argue that even if that is true, it still is not God’s plan for sexuality and I believe ought to be avoided.  If you’re reading this and even questioning it, then it is likely that the Holy Spirit may be trying to pin point this area of your life that He may bring true freedom.

I am happy to say that I am off of the cycle of continually vowing to stop masturbating.  In a short month it will be 11 years since I engaged in it.  The difference did not come in “white knuckling it”, trying harder, or making more vows.  The difference came when I finally hit rock bottom and cried out to Jesus, willing to do whatever it took.  Thankfully, Jesus led me to the right resources to lead me into freedom.  Like the old Chinese proverb says, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”    What did it take?  Well, for me it took a willingness to submit myself to counseling for several years.  It took me humbling myself and sharing my struggle, and being accountable every day in this area for over two years.  It also took me allowing people to connect with me.  I was looking for true connection, not an orgasm.  An orgasm is the easy way out.  Being truly relational takes real risk and hard work, and as painful as it was God helped me to do it.  Many people on this journey want to continue trying it on their own.  My question would be, “How has that worked out for you so far?”  God, for the most part, uses someone to present us with the gospel.  The way that our journey started, is the way that it continues.  He uses people.  It is not just God we need, nor is it just man that we need.  We need both on our journey.  If it were not so, scripture would not be full of admonitions such as, “Exhort one another daily”, and “forsake not the assembling together of yourselves”.  But it didn’t just come in learning to be relational with other people.  It came in learning to be relational with myself in healthy ways.  It also came with learning to be intimate with Jesus.  I spent hundreds of hours at his feet crying out to Him asking Him to meet me in the place of my heart that caused me to go after my sin.  He was faithful to meet me.  I have found Him and all His provision enough.
​
Your journey may not look exactly like mine.  But I have no doubt that it will not be a complete journey without taking many relational risks and inviting others into this area of your heart.  Our sexually addictive behavior is really about an unmet relational need.  Unmet needs don’t just go away.  They manifest themselves in ways they were never intended to. 

Let’s let Jesus and the body of Christ do what God intended all along.  Let’s risk laying down our coping mechanisms, and understand that He is our shield.  Jesus and His ways are more than enough. 
 
 
4 Comments
Casey
8/5/2016 09:20:52 am

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is hopeful.

Reply
Kimberly Johnson
8/5/2016 09:36:24 am

Hi Casey. Thanks so much for reading and for your comment. God bless you on your journey. If I may be of assistance thru counseling feel free to contact me at kimberly@divineid.org.

Reply
L
12/27/2016 01:54:53 am

Hi great and hope-filled message. Could you suggest some more practical steps to begin a journey out of these things? what were the resources that you mention God lead you to?

Reply
Kimberly Johnson link
12/27/2016 06:04:04 am

Hi "L",
Thank you for your comments. I am so glad the Lord offered you hope through my words.

Some steps that I took (that I have seen many others take as well) were finding Christian counseling, support groups, and accountability partners. This type of addictive behavior is not about sex, it is about needing to connect relationally. So, relationships with others are required to overcome this.

The main resource the Lord led me to was a book by my mentor, Russell Willingham, "Breaking Free, Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus". I recommend it to almost all my clients.

Also, as I needed other resources, God just led me to them.. .whether it was the correct counselor, the perfect accountability partner, something I needed to read at just the right moment, just the right thing coming across my radio, etc.

I offer some resources in the "Resources" section of my website under sexual addiction, Masturbation, and pornography categories (not sure exactly what all you're dealing with).

If I can be of assistance please let me know at info@divineid.org.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, and God bless you,
Kim

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    Kimberly ~ Counselor, speaker, teacher, author and most importantly broken but beloved daughter of Jesus. 

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    • Client Testimonials
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    • Pornography
    • Homosexuality and/or Unwanted Same Sex Attraction
    • Compulsive Masturbation
    • Gender Confusion
    • Compulsive Sexual Thoughts
    • Fear of Abandonment
    • Sexual Addiction
    • Inability to Connect with Others
    • For Parents
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